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Revised (Nov 20 2008)
Moving from crisis to calm discussion
Matters that are dealt with by boards are often emotional. People care deeply about their children and their schools. When tempers flare, it is helpful to remember that when our emotions are aroused, people are less able to function rationally. In some cases, a person will experience the physiological fight or flight response. Nothing short of getting the person out of crisis mode will make it possible for rational discourse to continue. It is important to deal with emotional outbursts immediately.
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TO DO THIS:
- acknowledge the feelings being expressed
- ensure the person knows he or she has been heard (paraphrase)
- don’t get defensive or argumentative
- give the person time to cool down
- provide a graceful way to move constructively forward, and
- if a mistake has been made, focus on fixing the problem, not affixing blame
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Consider a time out. Give tempers time to cool. If appropriate, go to a quiet place and work with the person on the steps outlined above. Debrief. After a contentious meeting take time to reflect on what happened, why it happened and how it might be handled differently next time.
Accept feelings. A facilitator should actively work to accept feelings, rather than reject or minimize them. This tells the group that ideas and group members themselves are valued. Acceptance does not necessarily signal agreement, but it does make it clear that feelings are worthy of being heard. Thanking people for their comments and summarizing them in a non-judgemental way is an effective way to do this.
Be sensitive to guarded expressions of resentment. Facilitators, or other group members, may make statements that people take exception to. If reactions go unheeded they can escalate and the group can move away from constructive exploration of issues into emotional non-constructive ones. Alternatively, participants whose feelings have been ignored may withdraw from discussions and their contributions will be lost.
Understand feelings, don’t judge them. This is a difficult principle to apply; however, misunderstandings are less likely to occur if we ignore our natural tendency to judge others.
Refocus the discussion on the original topic and its outcomes. After feelings have been dealt with constructively, refocus by summarizing feelings that were discussed and reintroducing the topic that was under discussion before participants’ feelings took precedence.
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Ways to prevent conflict from building
